semiramis-audron:

bramblepatch:

queenofmotherfuckingterrasen:

roseverdict:

manuscripts-dontburn:

hariboo:

tbonechessor:

leftbouquetarbiter:

listen ok. so there’s that typical horror trope about the family and the haunted house and yadda yadda.

but like, have a movie where this family has gone through many haunted houses before, to the point where they move into this new one and are like ‘okay. fresh start number seven.’ and then basically throughout the movie avoid and deflect any typical horror event from the house like it’s no big deal. 

something’s under the teen girl’s bed? she takes a can of bug spray and some chloroform and uses that shit on the demon creature without turning an eye from whoever she was texting. mom’s cooking and the family’s nowhere to be found? weird creaking noises? she sighs and continues cooking. family comes through the back door later with some blood on them and carrying a few hockey masks. mom doesn’t question it. family looks exhausted and irritated. younger brother walks into his room to find the dog trapped in the wardrobe, wardrobe unable to open? seeping dark smoke and gross liquids? move it and throw some salt around that thang and kick in the back of the wardrobe. dog hops out with a scoff and trots to the door of the room and down the stairs. a shadow follows. lots of growling and snarling and scuffling. a shadow runs fuckin outie back down the hall in fear. dad is in the garage working in the car. car shuts it’s doors and locks them. he is unable to get out. he sighs and starts the car. might as well go get groceries.

family don’t give a fuck.

hello, yes, how much do movies cost and how would I fund this

omg this would be hilarious. bonus: the ghost or poltergeist to give up after a certian point this family is too hardcore and just accept the family into the house. they literally stop bc honestly the amount of ghost energy they’re using up is terrible and just creepily make glass fog up and write “fine, truce. you win.” and the mother just nods and the kid add a smiley face to the creepy fogged up glass.

now they have a very handy alarm system and when the new baby is born: creepy shadow live in babysitter who is ironically great with kids

Actually, something like this already exists. It is called THE CANTERVILLE GHOST and it was written in 1887 by Oscar Wilde. 

IT EXISTS ALREADY HALLELUJAH

And it’s like 131 years old. Wow

Of course Oscar Wilde wrote it.

This movie with Patrick Stewart and Neve Campbell is sorta based on it

kelgrid:

prokopetz:

Alternative to the tired old wizard-with-a-sugar-daddy interpretation of the patron/warlock relationship in Dungeons & Dragons:

  • Clueless boss and long-suffering employee, whose powers are basically the magical equivalent of pilfering office supplies for personal use
  • Scheming master and duplicitous apprentice who are totally open about their loathing for each other and are keen to see who betrays whom first
  • Bureaucratic devil and soul-peddling diabolist with a contract a mile long, each honestly believing they’re getting the better of the other
  • Glowering quartermaster and loose-cannon operative, whose record for getting results just barely justifies the expense of employing them
  • Indifferent parent who pays their estranged offspring’s allowance like clockwork but otherwise prefers to deal with them as little as possible
  • Vast, slumbering god-monster and amoral parabiologist who knows which spots to poke with a stick to provoke particular autonomic responses

You forgot the most important

samsketchbook:

samsketchbook:

THE TRAGIC AND RESOUNDINGLY FAKE TALE OF SNIPPY THE HORSE

HANG IT ON YOUR WALL SO OTHERS MAY KNOW ITS FALSITY?

THE TEXT READS:

ANGELS KILLED HIM!BITCH!! I FEEL VERY STONGLY ABOUT IT

CRAZED CONSPIRATORIALS WILL HAVE YOU BELIEVING IT WAS ALIENS BUT WHOO BOY…DO I HAVE FACTS FOR YOU! RADIOACTIVE FEATHERS
WERE STREWN AROUND THE CORPSE, FOR ONE.IN FACT, A RADIUS OF TWO ACRES AROUND
SNIPPY WAS FULLY RADIOACTIVE.

THIS ISN’T THE CRUCIAL COMPONENT. FROM SNIPPY’S SHOULDERS TO
HIS HEAD THE SKIN, TENDON, AND FAT WAS INCINERATED, REVEALING A PERFECTLY CLEANED SKELETON. THE CRANIAL CAVITY WAS BURNED BARREN OF TISSUE, AS IF WITH SURGICAL PRECISION.

NOW, KNOW YOU THIS: SNIPPY WAS A HORSE FREE OF SIN.          

SO WHY WAS HE DESTROYED BY GOD?

FOR A GOOD MANY YEARS, AMERICA HAD BEEN DEFICIENT IN ANIMAL SACRIFICES. DO YOU RECALL THE LAST TIME A SCAPEGOAT WAS SMACKED SCREAMING INTO THE DESERT?ME NEITHER! FUCK WE’RE STUPID. A HIGHER POWER WAS THIRSTY FOR PAYMENT IN WARM, CLEAN BLOOD.

NOBODY’S BLOOD RAN MORE PURE AND HOT THAN SNIPPY THE HORSE’S.

AND SO HIS BODY WAS RENDED- BY THE LIGHTNING PALE BLADE OF A BEING TOO BRIGHT TO LOOK AT DIRECTLY. TOO BEAUTIFUL TO REFUSE OR TO HOLD ACCOUNTABLE. EVEN OF HORSE MURDER.  

AN ANGEL.

I DON’T THINK THE ANGEL FELT BAD. BUT I’M SURE THAT AS SHE RAISED HER SPECTRAL HANDS TO LAY OUT THE FELLING BLOW, HER BROW SOFTENED FOR AN INSTANT. SHE LOOKED AT SNIPPY, SNIPPY THE PERFECT HORSE, THE HORSE WHO COULD BE TRUSTED. SHE LOOKED

AT THE ONLY HORSE IN THE WORLD WHO DIDN’T WISH HARM ON MAN.

AND SHE FELT SHOCKED. TOO SHOCKED

TO BE ANGRY

THAT SOMETHING EARTHLY WAS EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN HER.

THEN SHE GUTTED HIM.